Rewiring Your Brain to Feel More Secure in Relationships

Relationships are Key

One of the reasons that people seek out support or counseling can be because of how they are feeling in relationships.

Relationships make up a huge part of our life and whether they are romantic relationships, work relationships, or friendships, they impact us all on an emotional, psychological and social level.

We all want good relationships with others!

What do you do when you find yourself feeling all sorts of different feelings related to others? Maybe you feel feelings that you know aren’t “logical” or have some worries about the relationship that “don’t seem to add up”.

Attachment Plays a Role

Our current relationships in adulthood can sometimes stem from our subconscious learning from our early attachment relationships with our primary caregivers. This could have been mom or dad or other family member.

Sometimes these relationships were what we call “secure”. You felt safe, comfortable and able to explore and then come back to a “secure base”.

Oftentimes, though, attachment styles are more complex and can take a range of different presentations (check out the groundbreaking work of Mary Ainsworth and a more modern book on the subject, Attached).

What does this mean for adult me?

Different attachment styles can lead to different core self states as an adult. This impacts your relationships with others as well as how you feel about yourself in relationship with others.

In therapy, especially a psychodynamic attachment based style, we get to know these old patterns, uncover the basis for them, and start to rewire the core beliefs that you have around what its like to feel safe with others. Or unsafe, and what that means too.

Feeling Better

Depending on what’s going on, attachment based psychotherapy can be super effective for boosting one’s sense of self in relation to others. It starts to help you to trust, feel comfortable and then eventually work through the old relationship stuff from the past to be more present in your relationships now.

It is pretty cool but does take some work. Going through the process of the old attachments can be intense- but certainly worth it to be sure that you are making choices that are selected by current you and not the kiddo you.

Taking Care of Current You

There are so many resources today around attachment theory and how to understand your own attachment style and how it shows up for you. Cognitive Behavioral Strategies as well as research in this area can be so helpful to help us to understand and work through our old processes.

Rewiring those old stories that we tell ourselves can be liberating and encouraging! The first step is getting to know it.

Therapy Can Help

But its not the only way! Check out some of the resources out there to get to know your attachment style and how it might show up and affect you now.

As always, leave us a comment or send us a note to talk more.

Adriane Kruer